What is self-love❤?
Does Self-Love mean you need to make yourself look gorgeous everyday? To take more selfies 📸? To look at yourself every chance you see a reflective surface ? Brag about yourself to others? Uh, not quite. That’s loving your image/surface or perhaps you’re actually being really critical of your physical aspect of self. No, self-love is something much much deeper. I’m sure you’ve heard people talk about the beauty within. What does this mean exactly?
Self-Love means to truly accept yourself with all your beauty and flaws. To truly love yourself means you take care of yourself, do and think only what’s best for you. This is about you and only you. What is your opinion of yourself? Do you take good care of yourself? Do you trust and love yourself unconditionally? Or do you criticise yourself, take care of yourself last, worry about what others think and don’t trust your own choices?
Why this world is full of people lacking Self-Love
To give yourself any kind of attention is considered a bad thing. We’re taught the following names when we think of ourselves: Selfish, Love-o, Conceited, Egotistical, Self-Absorbed and more!
Selfish- Let’s talk about selfishness. Selfish means an action or motive lacking consideration for others, concerned only for one’s profit or personal gain. Now this is an important lesson drilled into us from an early age. Yes, it is important that we can socialise with others, are considerate and kind to others. Share your toys, think of other’s feelings, make your friends and family happy. If you keep something to yourself, you are selfish. If you don’t drop everything to help your family right away, you’re selfish.
I struggled with this one a bit because I didn’t want to be selfish even when I was feeling drained, unappreciated and conflicted within myself. Perhaps because I grew up in an asian culture, it was high importance to respect your elders and your family is your community, your everything. If my parents say jump, I’m expected to ask how high? Then do it.
Egotistical/Self-Absorbed- So, this is for the vain selfie lovers, the posterisers, braggers, mirror huggers, filter crazy people out there. Surface beauty is important to them because they feel like they benefit from it somehow. Maybe for attention, maybe to make themselves feel good about themselves, maybe to make others like them more? If you feel the need to be liked by others through your appearance, I’ve got to be brutally honest with you…. There’s a gaping hole somewhere inside of you, like a void, wanting to be filled with love and attention. By fluffing up your ego, boosting yourself, it’s to cover what’s not really there. Worried what other’s truly think of you, that you need to tell others first, how you want them to think of you.
Learn from Example- I don’t know about your parents or family, but my parents show me that doing things for others and serving yourself last, is the way to go. That’s how you become a good person. My mum always says, do you want to buy food or a drink? You eat, but I won’t because I never buy myself anything, I can eat/drink at home. She shows me that she does everything for everyone, cooks, cleans and shops for others. No, I don’t want to buy myself anything, but I will buy it for you if you like it. When she does cave in and buy herself something, she feels that it’s wrong and hides it from my dad. My dad is just as bad. Through most of his life, he hasn’t purchased anything solely for himself or for his own pleasure. Yes, he’ll buy a car because they whole family will benefit. He loves buying tools, because he can justify that it’s for work, it makes him money and makes working easier. Even then, I know he would feel guilty about expensive purchases. I learned that saying no when someone asks you for help is wrong and selfish. Buying yourself things is a waste of money.
Lacking Self-Love is the root of all causes
Self-Love is not something you can achieve by just being. It is something you constantly need to work on, which will lead to fulfilment and happiness. The solution to all your problems starts with you.
Here are some hypothetical examples:
- Insecurity- If you feel insecure about your partner or loved ones, you will tend to go above and beyond for them. Thinking of ways to please them and what you can do to make them love you more. Insecurity is a type of fear, perhaps a fear of rejection because of your low self-worth and unworthiness to be with them. The root of this, of course, is lack of self-love. By using all your time and energy on another will guarantee that you will get even less of THEIR love and attention. Why is this? Because you’ve turned on the “giving” switch to full blast. Your “receiving” button is turned off! You’re wondering if they love you and why they don’t show it. You have conditioned them to receiving only. This shows a lack of self-love and respect. You can only expect to be treated the way you treat yourself, without any respect. If you worry about someone leaving, then it isn’t meant to be. Holding on to something that isn’t yours won’t hold for long. Instead, work on yourself and how they can respect you. To get others to respect you, you first need to respect yourself. Look out for number 1 and others will treat you the same. This can also be the same for financial insecurity at work.
Oils to use: Geranium (Love & Trust), Bergamot (Self-Acceptance), Cassia (Self-Assurance), Douglas Fir (Generational Wisdom), Peace (Reassuring Blend) & Marjoram (Connection).
- Sacrificing too much time and energy- If you’re a people pleaser, peacemaker, and worried about other’s happiness, then you are feeling unworthy. A feeling of being less than; a notion that one is undeserving of respect, praise, joy etc. Yes, it is good and all to be kind and unselfish, but not at the costs of draining and sacrificing yourself. Why was I afraid to say no? Because I wanted to be a good girl. I didn’t want others to dislike me or think badly of me. Why? Because I didn’t love or “like” myself enough. If I truly liked myself the way I am, would it really matter what others thought of me? No, because I already like myself, if that makes any sense. The most important person’s opinion is mine because I have to live with myself. How did I overcome this?
I used to advertise that I have a Mummy complex. I love my mother to death, but she could push my buttons with just the tone of her voice. Jamie, come pay for this bill now, or drive me to this person’s house, or go help this or that person. It irritated me to no end, that she didn’t have the slightest care for my time or feelings, despite the fact that I was just about ready to give birth, or just had a baby, or that I have 2 young children. I’m a fully grown (perhaps not that grown) adult, married with kids and live separately, yet I still felt small like a child. I decided one day, I no longer wanted to have this “cranky” relationship with my mother, with all the burden in the world on my shoulders. I decided to flip my switch and say no. I knew all hell would break loose from that moment 👿. Haha but I persevered even though she made me feel like a selfish ungrateful child. I knew it would be an adjustment for both of us, but I decided if I can’t change her, I’d change myself and my way of thinking. I didn’t snap or get angry at my mum for treating me that way, because it has always been like that and I have always allowed myself to be her doormat. I was patient, explained to my mum that I love her, and that I am ALWAYS here to help her, when I can and when I am capable. I just ask that she ASKs me to help, give me a little respect instead of commanding. When she calls me to drop everything for her, I politely ask her how important it is, and tell her that I have things to do, but I have a free slot to help her the next day or later during the week. She was offended at first, for months actually, but slowly started to realise that I have my own things to do, that I am still taking the time out to help her. She gradually understood how much I did for her, respected me for it and showed her appreciation as I show her my appreciation for what she does for me in return. I treated her and myself the way I wanted to be treated. Now we’re like BFFs!! Haha What Mummy Complex? I never imagined how great our relationship would turn out to be.
Stop trying to make up for what you believe you lack. If you feel like you lack something, then work on it! Learn to improve and be proud of your accomplishments. It all comes down to self-love. Respect your time and energy then others will follow suit. Say no, if you don’t have the capacity to do it. The same can be said for sacrificing yourself at work.
Oils to use: Bergamot (Self-Acceptance), Cassia (Self-Assurance), Coriander (Self-Integrity/loyalty), Fennel (Responsibility) and Grapefruit (Honouring the Body).
- Abandoned/Rejected- There are events in your life when someone leaves, or refuses you and you feel like you’re at fault. If, your parents separated, you were put up for adoption, your loved one’s too busy for you, you get dumped or you’re worried people don’t like you etc. Suddenly you think these events happened because of you. That’s a sign of lacking self-love. If unresolved, you will tend to go searching for someone to fill you up with love and attention. As this goes on, you will always be wondering why the other person isn’t giving you enough love and attention, why they are not considerate towards your feelings. When in reality, no one can fill that void for you permanently and you will end up draining others with your need. Loving, and caring for yourself will permanently help you feel fulfilled. The issue is within, so replacing it with something external just won’t do. Some people may replace attention for materialistic items instead. That somehow they believe, your things=your worth. Things happen in your life whether you want it to or not. Lots of things are out of our control, but our thoughts and actions are ours to make. If you feel you’re not good at something, then learn. If you lack in certain areas, then practice till you get better. Take steps to do what is good for you.
Oils to use: Sallubelle (Immortelle- Anti-aging Blend/Spiritual Insight), Frankincense (Truth), Myrrh (Mother Earth), On Guard Blend (Protection) and Ylang Ylang (Inner Child).
- Feeling Ugly and Unappealing- This feeling can be a real problem for people all shapes and sizes. Even gorgeous people like models can feel ugly and unappealing, hence their obsession with image. I used to feel really self-conscious about the way I looked. My mother was often concerned with how much I ate, how fat or skinny I was and how light or dark my skin was. It was her loving way of wanting me to look perfect as her child. With no one to blame but myself, I was critical of myself and the way I looked. I was conflicted because I didn’t want to care what my mum thought of my appearance but at the same time I wanted to make her happy. Most people think only overweight people are sensitive to talking about aspects of the physical self and image but that’s not true. I often heard comments like, Oh, you’re so skinny! That didn’t make me happy because my mother used to fear that I would be sickly if I was thin. So skinny/thin= sickly. I was conflicted because I hated the thought of getting fat because I worried that I would look ugly. My relatives would comment that I gained weight and looked good. That also made me feel ugly, because I didn’t want to look fat. Again, it didn’t really matter what others would say because all I would see is the negative ugly side. I didn’t truly accept myself for me and love myself the way I was regardless of losing or gaining a kg. The root of this is the feeling of unworthiness. When I loved myself regardless and unconditionally, it didn’t matter what others would say, I would smile. Thinking to myself, I’m pretty inside and out! The only person who should care is me. If you’re not satisfied with yourself, then instead of looking to others for validation, work on loving yourself. Start eating right, exercise, reduce toxicity, use natural products.
Oils to use: HD Clear (Accepting Imperfections), Grapefruit (Honouring the Body), Bergamot (Self-Acceptance), Cinnamon (Sexual Harmony), Melissa (Light) and Smart & Sassy (Slim& Sassy/Inner Beauty).
Self- Acceptance
If someone says something about you that really rubbed you up the wrong way, or a situation made you really angry, then really think about what exactly made you upset? If you truly accept yourself and all your flaws, then another person’s words or actions shouldn’t have any affect on you whatsoever right? When you get upset for whatever reason, it is because it was personal to you. You want to be the furthest from whatever was said about you, and deep down you worry that you are like that even if only slightly. For example, someone says to me, you put on a bit of weight, truly meaning it as a compliment. Perhaps to say I look healthier or that I have more curves. If I got upset, then it means I really worry about being unattractive and getting fat. Deep down I feel unattractive and therefore would feel upset at the slightest comment or look. However, if I truly accept myself, then it wouldn’t hurt me in the slightest. I would thank them for the compliment. As I have been eating more than usual and feel content regardless. Perhaps it’s time for me to get more serious at the gym and get back to eating healthier for my well-being. The same can be said for any situation, about your work, about socialising, about friendship, about studying, about getting bald, about your clothes…. it could be anything! Everything is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Take note of what makes you tick and work on how you can change your reaction.
Say affirmations such as: “I am enough”, “I am appealing to myself and others”, “I easily maintain healthy boundaries”, “I choose to have self-love”, “I forgive myself for making mistakes”, “I see love all around me”, “I easily receive love”, “I accept and love myself the way I am”, “I am beautiful inside and out”… etc etc. If you have trouble saying any of these phrases, then that’s something you need to keep repeating until you are truly comfortable with it. Listen to the way you talk about yourself, some people don’t realise how nasty they are to themselves. Does this sound familiar? “I can’t believe I did that!”, “I’m such an idiot, I’m so stupid”, “I’m so fat and disgusting”, “shut up”, “I look horrible today”, etc etc. Sound a bit ridiculous? Take notice of your inner voice, your conversations to yourself. You’re meaner to yourself than you realise. I sometimes catch myself thinking mean thoughts about myself and instead of telling myself to shut up, I say thanks for sharing your concern, I’ll take note of that.
Be Fulfilled
- Be kind to yourself: Speak kind words whether internally or voiced. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grow. Regularly use positive affirmations. Be kind to others but not at the expense of sacrificing yourself.
- Take care of your body: When you love yourself, you will stop the abuse and make good choices. Eating right and exercising shows love for yourself.
- Use Essential Oils consistently: This helps balance out your emotions, pushes you into the right direction and helps you become a healthier, happier you.
- Ask yourself the golden question: “IS THIS GOOD FOR ME”? This is my go to question when I have trouble deciding something. This question isn’t “Does this benefit me”? No, it’s asking if this situation or choice is healthy for you. i.e If you’re dating someone and they don’t treat you right but you love them a lot, ask yourself the question. If the answer is no, and the person isn’t willing to change, then I would say you have a choice to leave. Your life is your choice. Staying in an abusive relationship is a choice. I know there are difficulties in every situation but ultimately if the answer is No, it’s not good for you, then take steps to make a different choice. Unsure if you should eat a block of chocolate sitting in your pantry? The answer is no! 😂
- Give yourself some attention: Take some time out every week to do something fun and good, just for you. While you’re doing something for you, remind yourself that you are loving yourself. Sometimes we need to point it out to ourselves so we can appreciate the effort. Tips: Read some self-help books to inspire yourself, have coffee with a friend, get a massage, take a relaxing bath, write a journal, reflect on things you want to work on etc.
Empower yourself. Use your own source of energy to heal yourself. There is no need to take from others what you lack. Slowly but surely, you will find more happiness.
Self-Love for Kids 👧👦
I’ve noticed that my kids don’t care the slightest for their own well-being. I mean, what kid does? It’s not that I don’t trust my kids, but I felt like they wouldn’t do the things I would want them to do if I’m not there. Things such as eating well, drinking water, sleeping well, eating healthy, going to toilet regularly etc. It seemed like a battle of wills every time I asked my kids to eat, drink or go to sleep. The lack of self-love has already started for my kids at such a young age. If someone said something mean to my 4 year old, she would instantly get upset and defensive. Why is that so?
- Lead by example– Doing everything for them doesn’t help them learn how to take care of themselves. Show them that you take care of yourself and how to follow suit. They may feel reliant on you to care for them and their well-being while young, but when they get older and have their own partner or family, they will revert to the way you have treated yourself and others.
- Commanding orders- It’s hard for kids to want to obey you for every order you bark out at them. They want to be individuals and are learning independence. Commanding kids can have the opposite effect. Usually when they do as you say, it is unwillingly and will not uphold when you’re not around.
- They have not been guided on WHY and HOW to take care of themselves- Adults often forget how smart our kids can be and often treat them as if they wouldn’t understand. It takes time and patience to explain to kids why we are doing what we’re doing and how it helps us.
- Do not know what Self-Love is- Most adults don’t know this. So it would be hard to explain to a child what self-love is.
Teaching Self-Love to Kids
Teaching self-love to kids doesn’t have to be complicated. Start with examples that’s right for their age. My kids are around 2 and 4 years old so eating, drinking, sleeping and going to toilet is a big deal to them.
I ask my 4yo, who do you love? She quickly replies, “Mummy, Daddy and Violet”. I ask her what about yourself? You don’t love yourself? Then she says “Oh yeah! I love myself too!” Whenever we tell each other how much we love each other, she remembers that she loves herself too. I explain to her why it’s important to love herself, because she needs to take care of herself, so she can be happy, healthy and not get sick. When she asks me why someone is in hospital, I explain that they didn’t love themselves enough and didn’t take care of themselves.
Getting the kids to bed at night usually ended with yelling. Getting them to go to their room was so stressful. It’s bedtime! Go to your room! Uh huh, that didn’t work so well. I figured I needed to change my tactics. So, we talked about sleep. “Did you know that you grow when you sleep? Everything you learned during the day goes into your brain and makes you smarter. When you sleep well, you get so much energy the next day so you can play! When you don’t get enough sleep, you get cranky, tired and don’t have energy to play and learn. So if you love yourself, then you need to take care of your body ok?” She loves my explanation so much, she wants me to talk about sleep often before bed. But instead, I let her do all the talking and she explains all the benefits to me! At bedtime I yell, “It’s snuggle time!! Who wants to snuggle?!” They both say ME!! And come running into bed for snuggle-time.
Similarly, when my kids don’t want to eat, I explain what food does for our bodies. Food nourishes our body, helps us grow, gives us energy and makes us healthier. When you eat well, you’re taking good care of yourself. This means you love yourself. When they don’t want to drink water, I explain what water does for them. If we don’t drink water, we will feel dry and our skin will get dry and itchy. Water helps us be healthy and helps clean out all the yucky stuff in our body. Going to toilet often helps get rid of all the yucky stuff in our body and then we will be clean! If we hold it in, we will get germs, get sick and our privates will hurt.
After a shower, I get the kids to put their own body cream and essential oils on themselves. I explain what which oils do and in which situations they would need them. My daughter knows On Guard Protective Blend is to help her stay healthy, In Tune to help her brain get smarter for school, Lavender for owies and itches, and Digestzen when her tummy hurts.
Oils to diffuse for Self-Love: Bergamot (Self-Acceptance), Cassia (Self-Assurance), Coriander (Self-Integrity/loyalty), Fennel (Responsibility), Geranium (Love & Trust), Peace (Reassuring Blend) and Grapefruit (Honouring the Body). Can be applied on the skin if diluted with Fractionated Coconut Oil.
When I see my kids do things for themselves, I praise them for their efforts in taking good care of their bodies and how they’re loving themselves. Reminding them like this will help them see how important it is to care for their own well-being, how to make good choices and why they should. My daughter loves to tell me after school how much water she drank or how often she went to toilet now. I tell her how proud I am when she takes care of herself, and also ask her if she is proud of herself too.
So, take time out to explain our life choices, get them to take care of themselves and acknowledge their efforts when they do. It empowers them and will ensure that they look out for themselves now, in the future and even when you’re not around. 😎
RELATED POSTS
What are Essential Oils and Why you should use it?
Best Way to Buy Essential Oils
